Dear The Onion,
I've been seeing this girl for about six months and the relationship seems too good to be true. Should I stab my girlfriend just to reassure myself and give both of us a little wake-up call about how life can be? Sincerely,

— Jared Price, Frederick, MD

Dear The Onion,
More coupons!

— Tom, Boise, ID

Dear The Onion,
I've noticed that you only print complimentary letters to the editor. Keep up the good work!

— C. McKenna, Huntington Beach, CA

Dear The Onion,
Included in this envelope is my subscription renewal check. You might also notice a few loose greenbacks—not sure how those got in there (wink, wink). Let's just say I won't object if I find a little extra news in my paper each day.

— Gene Kintgen, Indianapolis, IN

Dear The Onion,
How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't check exactly eight times before I left the house. I'm an adult, for Christ's sake.

— Rene Crouch, Spokane, WA

Dear The Onion,
My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?

— Tod Perry, Birmingham, AL

Dear The Onion,
Just play along and be cool—my wife thinks I'm writing our son.

— Elliot Morgan, Jersey City, NJ

Dear The Onion,
I know your etiquette column said 20 percent is an appropriate amount to tip for good service, but I've realized that even if you don't leave anything, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Hope this helps!

— Earl Decker, Marietta, GA