STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now

WEAKNESSES: Style of play should have him paralyzed by third quarter of Super Bowl; only zooms around the field to where the ball is because he wants to be included; Polamalu is actually a fictional character in Ike Taylor’s imagination, and will disappear when Taylor realizes he has been the one making the Steelers’ big plays all along

NUMBER OF TIMES TROY AIKMAN AND JOE BUCK WILL TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR: Zero—Aikman and Buck are consummate professionals who would never stoop to that level of inanity

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To play entire game without ever having his feet touch the ground

ACTUAL NAME: David Dinkus

NEXT: Mike Tomlin