1PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple conversation regarding popular international singing sensation Taylor Swift. "I was aghast at his ignorance of even the most basic works of her oeuvre," said partygoer Amy Singer, who remarked that the incurious Merriam "didn't know or appear to care" about Swift's childhood in small-town Pennsylvania or that she's the youngest person ever to win Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs. "He flailed around like some kind of caveman for something to say about the Kanye West incident, and then tried to steer the conversation toward the health care debate. I would have pitied the man were he not so unapologetically obtuse." Sources reported that the unlearned Merriam almost redeemed his intellectual credentials by knowing the name of one of the contestants on Top Chef.
More News in Brief
Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party
'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say
ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence ...
Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave ...
Call From Daycare Can't Be Good
HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that ...
