The Onion ranks the year's most important news items that never made it to the front page:

Feb. 27: Iran gets universal health care

March 19: A dog and a cat coexist peacefully in same bookstore

April 14: Ashlee Simpson claims four dependents on tax returns

April 22: Rupert Murdoch retreats to opulent estate after failure of personally financed opera starring his untrained wife

Aug. 9: Small, boring genocide of only about 23,000 Africans

Oct. 12: New law exempts owners of boats over 30 feet from paying taxes