The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:

• Shrewd new ad campaign preying on people’s desire to lick things
• Looting any mail resembling a birthday card from a grandparent
• Now accepting pipe bombs and anthrax for regular delivery
• Eliminating all zip codes containing the number 5
• Offering a free largemouth bass mailbox with the purchase of a USPS Premium account
• Getting into human trafficking
• Rebranding the agency as a hip new company known only as “The Service”
• Launching new “Please, Anyone, For The Love Of God, Mail Something” series of commercials