BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.
The original movie—which follows a small-town girl who supports her songwriting dreams by taking a job as one of many scantily clad barmaids at a New York City hot spot—was widely considered by critics to be a vapid cultural travesty. According to Touchstone Pictures president Peter Zaiff, however, if the nation doesn't continue to blindly accept all products distributed by the entertainment industry, he'll produce a sequel to the film that "makes the first Coyote Ugly look like On The fucking Waterfront."
"We are dead serious, you assholes," Zaiff said. "You're going to like what we tell you to like, end-of-fucking-story. Now fill up those seats, or so help me God, it's Coyote UglyII: Get Uglier."
"I'll get Rachel Bilson to star in this piece of shit right now," added Zaiff, sneering and brandishing a BlackBerry. "She's the worst."
Zaiff said that not only would Touchstone do everything in its power to make the sequel the most repellant, soulless, pandering film ever released, but that all of the resources of the studio, as well as those of its parent company Walt Disney, would be dedicated to promoting the film.
"For six months you won't be able to do so much as buy a cup of coffee without having to stare at ads for this pile of puke," Zaiff said. "We'll inundate you with so many promotions and cross-promotions, you'll see the logo in your nightmares. Anytime you look at a screen it will be completely plastered with the faces of whatever MTV rejects we decide to cast in this abortion."
"Get ready to herd your fat asses in to watch it, you fat fucks," added Zaiff, promising to release the movie after awards season, but before summer blockbusters arrive, so there will be nothing else for moviegoers to see.
Zaiff threatened that LeAnn Rimes, who scored a major pop hit with the song "Can't Fight The Moonlight" on the soundtrack of the first film, would record a new song for the sequel titled "(Still) Can't Fight The Moonlight." Additionally, industry insiders have indicated that Coyote Ugly II will have so little respect for its audience's intelligence that everyone who appears on screen will wear a Pepsi T-shirt at all times.
Zaiff emphasized that even the most discerning movie fans will have little choice but to watch the new film.
"And for all you snobby fucks who say you wouldn't come within a mile of this fucking movie, we've got plans for you, too," Zaiff said. "You're not safe from this shit-show. Who's your favorite actor? Frank Langella? Malkovich? How about John-fucking-Malkovich? We'll dangle so much money in front of his face he'll sell out faster than a five-dollar whore."
"Just try us," Zaiff continued. "I swear to God, I will personally dig up Stanley Kubrick's rotting corpse and attach him to this project myself if I have to."
If his studio's balance sheet doesn't improve, Zaiff has promised to use his connections to ensure that a shot-for-shot remake of Fast & Furious appears in theaters the moment the original version heads to DVD. Still, he maintained that his company's vitriol was about more than financial profit. The threats, he said, were primarily intended to let the nation know exactly what the entertainment industry is capable of.
"You sorry bastards don't get it, do you?" Zaiff said. "It's not about the money. It's about who calls the shots. I'll burn the fucking profits—I don't care. Or we'll use it to make Coyote UglyIII. And Coyote UglyIV. How would you dicks like that? Get it through your thick fucking skulls: You do what we tell you to do."
The response across the country has been largely compliant, with many Americans apologizing publicly and promising to see every film released, regardless of quality.
"For the love of God, anything but a Coyote Ugly sequel," said filmgoer John Deenan, who vividly remembers suffering though years of the first film on cable. "Please, I'll do whatever they want. I swear."
"Although, I'd probably go see it if they made it," Deenan added.