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    The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 13, 2013

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 49•19 • May 12, 2013
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    • Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death

      LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death...
      1 of 15
    • Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77

      'That Ought To Do It,' Company Sources Confirm

      CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source confirmed that its Twitter password has been changed to OnionMan77 in or...
      2 of 15
    • Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years

      BERKELEY, CA—Having completed a long-term analysis of skateboarding activity at every skate park, public plaza, parking lot, and suburban cul-de-sac in the United States, researchers at the University of California reported this week that not one of...
      3 of 15
    • Arab-American Actually Kind Of Enjoys Always Having 2 Bus Seats To Self

      CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted to reporters Monday that he does sort of enjoy always having two seats to himsel...
      4 of 15
    • Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future

      MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m.
      5 of 15
    • Picking Thing Up From Apartment Floor Rescheduled For Thursday

      DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an object from his apartment floor would have to be moved to Thursday.
      6 of 15
    • Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

      RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait,...
      7 of 15
    • Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

      PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.
      8 of 15
    • Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires

      NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since its 2005 premiere is now a multibillionaire.
      9 of 15
    • EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe

      WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs.
      10 of 15
    • Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

      LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.
      11 of 15
    • Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy

      WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in a time of need, members of President Barack Obama’s speech writing team admitted Thursday th...
      12 of 15
    • Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

      WHIPPANY, NJ—Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.
      13 of 15
    • FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

      WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off. 
      14 of 15
    • 17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11

      NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001.
      15 of 15
    • More Slideshows

      Start Over
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      • The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 6, 2013

      • 10 Giant Cocks

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      • The Legend Grows: Onion Sports' Coverage Of Tim Tebow

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