BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin Laden was not killed by a U.S. special operations team last year, is in fact still on the loose, and remains a major threat to the safety of all Americans.
While answering a question from moderator Bob Schieffer on the possibility of another act of terrorism on U.S. soil, Obama began by touting his order to take out the al-Qaeda founder, but then suddenly stopped talking and gazed down at the debate table for nearly 10 full seconds. When he raised his head, the president, now shaking and weeping, proceeded to deliver the shocking news.
“I’d like to remind anyone who questions my commitment to national security that in the past four years, we’ve put al-Qaeda on its heels, we’ve brought Osama bin Laden to justice, and the country is now safer than…than…I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” said Obama, his expression taking on a nervous, pained look that witnesses confirmed they had never before seen on the commander in chief’s face. “Listen, we never got him, okay? We never got bin Laden.”
“We’ve never even came close to killing him,” Obama continued as his breathing grew more rapid and tears began streaming down his face. “And we’re no closer to getting him today than we were when I first took office. The man’s a lunatic, and he’s still out there. I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.”
The visibly panicked Obama told the worldwide debate audience that he truthfully “[doesn’t] know where the hell Bin Laden is” and that he could “literally be in this room for all I know.” As the audience sat in stunned silence, the president revealed that last May’s Navy SEAL mission to kill the world’s most wanted man was a complete intelligence and military failure, resulting in heavy U.S. casualties and the deaths of dozens of innocent Pakistani civilians.
“There was a chance he was in that compound in Abbottabad, but a very slim one,” explained Obama, adding that while fabricated reports put the odds of finding bin Laden in Pakistan at 50-50, the chances were really more like 90-10. “But I gave the order anyway, because I wanted it, you know? I wanted to kill bin Laden so bad, because the economy wasn’t good and news out of Afghanistan was hurting my presidency. Everyone told me the mission would fail, but I still went through with it. It was just a family of four living in that compound, and the guy we thought was bin Laden was just some tall man with a beard whom we murdered in cold blood.”
“Remember when I addressed the nation and told everyone Osama bin Laden was dead? I knew he was alive that whole time,” said Obama, looking at no one in particular and, for the most part, speaking to himself while in what appeared to be a state of severe shock. “I fucked up. Jesus Christ, I fucked up bad. I’m in trouble. I’m in really big trouble.”
Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Obama then admitted his administration went to extreme lengths to cover up the truth by completely fabricating DNA evidence; releasing the book No Easy Day, which was credited to a Navy SEAL who the president said never existed in the first place; and fully financing production of the upcoming Kathryn Bigelow film Zero Dark Thirty.
“The reason we never showed you his body is because we never had it to begin with,” said Obama, his forlorn gaze fixed on the floor. “Trust me, if we had killed Osama bin Laden, we wouldn’t have just tossed his body in the ocean. We would have paraded it around the entire goddamn world.”
According to the president, the only reliable intelligence the government has on bin Laden is that he is currently planning dozens of new attacks on America and that he continues to lead al-Qaeda, which has now expanded to virtually every country on the planet. Obama also confirmed that the CIA is “incredibly confident” that the terrorist leader is coordinating bombings in every major U.S. city, with at least five potential attacks aimed at the Pentagon and the Golden Gate Bridge alone.
In addition, Obama said that bin Laden was actually in New York City three months ago and visited the Empire State Building.
The president then continued to confess other factual distortions from his administration, revealing that the death toll of American soldiers in Afghanistan is actually almost 8,000, the Iraq War is still going on and as bloody as ever, Iran is just weeks or possibly even days away from having a fully armed nuclear weapon, and the real national unemployment rate is hovering around 10.4 percent.
“Words can never fully express the sorrow and regret I feel for giving you a false sense of closure,” the president said after turning to speak directly into the camera, his voice quivering. “To the families who lost loved ones in the attacks on 9/11: Osama bin Laden is alive, and he’s healthier than ever. He’ll probably live to 100. And to my wife, Michelle: I have engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.”
Following the debate, the Romney camp released a statement saying that “Gov. Romney is absolutely thrilled Osama bin Laden is still alive.”