PASADENA, CA—A local 46-year-old man expressed confusion and disappointment Wednesday after watching what he described as a “really weird” pornographic movie that featured no nudity of any kind and contained only a few brief kissing scenes that never once led to a sexual act. “It’s about this all-American girl-next-door type and her fascination with a sleazy, gray-haired guy, which is usually the kind of thing I’m into, but it turned out to be the strangest porn I’ve ever seen,” said surprised viewer Peter Lindy, explaining that the feature-length 1999 film was based entirely around whether the lead male and female characters will get together in the end, and though they eventually do, “you never see anything close to full penetration.” “I just thought with all the tension between those two, it would turn into a huge fuck-fest, but instead they just make out. At one point, Maggie and Ike exchange a really hot kiss at this wedding rehearsal, and you think someone’s going to step in and Eiffel Tower her or something, but it never happens.” Though perplexed by the film, Lindy confirmed that the final wedding scene was “still pretty hot,” so he was able to get off anyway.