Well, well, look who’s all dressed up and ready to head on out of here. Yep, you sure look like you’re just about set to get going—got your boots, got your gloves, got your nice scarf. But wait, aren’t you forgetting something? Can’t you think of anything you might want to put on before you get out there and brave the elements? Nothing?

What, are you really going to go outside without a coat?

Come on, put me on. I know it’s pretty mild out there today and you’re not planning on being outdoors for long, but temperatures change, and if it were me, I’d want to bring along a cozy winter coat just in case. If the wind picks up or a cold front moves in, a nice thick coat like me could really help you out. Sure, it’s 45 degrees right now, but what about when the sun goes down? Believe me, when that mercury drops—which it will—it’s not going to be too pleasant out there, and you’ll wish you’d bundled up inside a toasty old coat.

You think that performance fleece is going to be enough? Boy, I don’t know about that. A lightweight little Land’s End pullover really can’t stand up to all the things Mother Nature might throw at you: snow, ice, blustery winds, freezing temperatures. That’s coat weather! Listen, we both know what wintertime’s like, and if you head out now, I guarantee that you’re going to regret not throwing on yours truly over here—a nice, plush winter coat with an insulated lining and a wind-resistant, waterproof outer shell. Doesn’t that sound nice? As far as facing down frosty weather goes, you’re not going to find anything better than me. I’m so downy, so snug. Bottom line, that flimsy fleece can’t give you half the warmth and protection I can. Hey, it’s just what I do.

So why not just take me off this hanger and wear me? Come on. I’m soft, I’m warm—I’m made for this time of year. Just slip me on and zip me up—done! You’ll be thanking me later, trust me.

Look, I know you’ve made do with just a sweater and a knit hat before, and if you were just running out to the corner store for a few minutes, I’d completely understand leaving me hanging here, but that’s not the situation we’re dealing with. It’s February, for God’s sake! We’re smack-dab in the heart of winter, and here you are dressed like it’s an autumn morning. That’s just crazy. If I were in your shoes, I’d be wrapped up in me from Veteran’s Day on.

And before you say anything, yes, I realize that sometimes you’ll bring along a bulky jacket like me and the weather will improve, and the next thing you know you’re stuck lugging me around all day like a dope. But wouldn’t you rather be safe than sorry here? Worst-case scenario, there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from throwing me over a chair the first chance you get. I wouldn’t have a problem with that, not one bit. I just hang out there until you come back, no complaints at all. Hey, I just want to be there for you.

Besides, if you put me on and it really gets too hot, you can always take me off and tie me around your waist. Seriously, buddy, don’t act like you don’t know this.

I mean, Christ, I’m trying to help you out here! How many times have you decided to leave your coat at home only to have it come back and bite you right in the ass? Remember last weekend? It was like the goddamn Arctic tundra out there, but oh no, you couldn’t be bothered to use your common sense and bring me along. “Oh, it’ll be fine,” you said, “I’ll only be outside for a couple minutes.” And then what happened, huh? That’s right, you stayed out later than you thought—surprise, surprise—it got dark and chilly, and, before you knew it, there you were, shivering in the cold like a fucking idiot while I’m dangling here uselessly in your hall closet. And here you are about to waltz out the door, coatless once again. Un-fucking-believable.

Why are you being so difficult here? Who are you trying to impress, you stubborn bastard?

Wait, wait, hold on, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I got a little worked up because I just want you to be warm and I let myself get carried away. Listen, at the end of the day, it’s my job to keep you toasty, dry, and shielded from inclement weather, and that’s all I’m trying to do. It’s a long, cold winter, and it’s up to me to see that you get through it as comfortably as possible. Really, I only want what’s best for you—you know that, right? So, that being said, I honestly think you should consider putting me on. Maybe? Please?

Fine, see if I care, asshole. I hope you freeze to death. I hope you fucking freeze.