Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

  • $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
  • $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
  • $1,700: Candy canes
  • $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
  • $10: Something for middle child
  • $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
  • $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
  • $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
  • $25: Elf poison
  • $0.06: One green and one red M&M
  • $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
  • $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers