In my 27 years as a union-certified plumber, I've heard every negative stereotype you could possibly imagine: Union plumbers charge too much; union plumbers are lazy; union plumbers take way too long on jobs. Now, I'm not going to stand here and say there aren't a few bad eggs out there. There always are. But the fact is, when you hire a union plumber, you're getting quality workmanship from a thorough, highly trained professional whom you will never walk in on giving the high hard one to your missus if you come home early from work.

No matter how bad she's begging for it. That's the UA Plumbers guarantee.

I can't tell you how many horror stories I've heard from clients who tried to save a buck and went with some cut-rate scab plumber only to discover his wife getting plowed six ways from Sunday and, on top of it, find out later that the seal around his new tub leaks like a friggin' sieve.

Wouldn't happen with a union wrench. Any customer who hires myself or one of my colleagues can rest assured his bathtub will be snug as a bug and his wife will be left in the same condition as the plumber found her: horny as a goddamn polecat in heat and ready to get the holy bejeezus pounded out of her at the drop of a hat, but totally unfucked.

That's peace of mind you just can't find with a nonunion contract.

To think, so many wives are needlessly being stuffed to the guts like a Thanksgiving turkey just because their husbands got a little cheap. In case I'm not making myself perfectly clear, here's a little statistic for you: Seventy-eight percent of nonunion jobs have to be reserviced within two years. Two years!

Take a second and let that fact sink in, right alongside the mental image of your wife planted face-down on your bed with her ass in the air, being pumped away at like it's going out of style by a plumber who isn't even licensed.

I'm not saying union guys are robots or anything. When your wife inevitably starts slinking around the house in a negligee trying to get us nuts-deep in her honeypot, we're going to get big hard-ons and probably make some lewd comments. Hell, we might even secretly dig around in the laundry hamper, smell her panties, and maybe touch ourselves a little bit. The difference is, we know which set of pipes we're there to fit. We'll never cross that line.

For the sake of total disclosure, there are a few gray areas: If you're separated from your old lady, then we can't really make any promises. That situation falls outside union bylaws. And if your wife tells us about your erectile dysfunction, then, again, all bets are off. Sorry, but that's technically a "plumbing problem," and we're bound by duty to do something about it.

By pouring your woman the pork, that is.

But overall, you can expect top-notch work at reasonable rates without having to worry about us putting your wife's ankles behind her ears and going to town on her like you read about.

One last word of wisdom: If you hire an electrician, union or otherwise, he's going to fuck your wife right in the ass and send you the pictures.

Nothing you can do about that.