Johnson City, AL—The Our Father of The Lord Christ in Heaven congregation was informed by God Sunday that no damage will come to its church, as it is the recipient of divine fire protection. Though every other neighborhood church has been attacked by torch-wielding vandals and burned to the ground, the all-white congregation will receive protection because, according to God, “You whites are made in my image and I shall not harm you.” Though members had long speculated their God was a white man, aged between 55-70, they were relieved to finally receive hard proof of His whiteness. “It’s not like we ever doubted it or anything,” Pastor Conrad Thamfield told reporters. “If you think about it, it just makes sense that He is white. What else would He be?”