Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the former POW:

  • Occupation: Talking point
  • Current Location: Center of political circus
  • Questions Surrounding Him: Many
  • Radical Views: That U.S. war in Afghanistan somehow disastrous, ill-fated, unethical
  • Gets 10% Off At Buffalo Wild Wings With Valid Military ID: Yes
  • Ribs: Protruding
  • Cost Of Release: Everything this fuckin’ nation stands for
  • Future Plans: Second tour of duty
  • References In Classified White House Documents: 1,023
  • Belongings When He Left Army Platoon: Compass, knife, digital camera, diary, basketball
  • Likelihood Of Being Subject Of Future ‘60 Minutes’ Piece: Through the roof
  • What He’s Looking Forward To Most Upon Returning Home: Freedom of no longer being used as some sort of pawn for political or military gain