- Malachy O'Halloran: Dorchester, MA retired ironworker, bar regular, and professional Irish American
- You: Could probably predict how Ted Kennedy would vote by now
- Tommy Musgrove: This high-school civics student is said to be considering a senate run as his senior project
- Vampire Ted Kennedy: A desire to see health reform through an unquenchable thirst for blood could propel this political legend back onto the national stage
- Marvin D. Johnson: Younger brother of Lyndon B. Johnson claims that he should assume Kennedy's position on grounds of historical continuity
- Brian Dennehy: Will need a gig after quickie Ted Kennedy biopic wraps
- Wally the Green Monster: Red Sox mascot may be the only candidate whose broad-based regional appeal, physical stature, and comically oversized head could live up to the late senator's
- Probably some asshole
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