Contrary to what was reported yesterday, there are no more free whole-fryer chickens just lying on the ground outside the loading dock at Ed's Foods. Stop going down there; they're gone. The Onion regrets the error.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.