Not two weeks ago, Yu Wan Mei was ebullient with anticipation of inescapable success upon acquiring the Onion newspaper! With our belief that the distribution of information was a profitable endeavor, joy leapt supreme. Yu Wan Mei, all were certain, was moments away from resounding triumph, from expanding once more and growing in both size and influence.

But now, desolate unhappiness.

It appears that in America the very business of published news is in the midst of widespread atrophy, and now carries forward as does a sickly and aging man, coughing up blood and gasping for breath and bearing the pronounced stench of inevitable failure.

Why did no one inform us of this? Great shame must now consume those who kept silent about the 87 percent decline in newspaper readership nationwide. Great shame must now consume those who did not open their lips before our dealings were done, and allowed the industrious and cherished Yu Wan Mei Group to sink itself like a granite stone.

Honorable men—trusting titans of Chinese industry who valued their advisers as their own sons—were told of the high price one could charge for the free press, of the brand loyalty and reader subservience such a venture would bring. These were deceptions. Those who misled us shall never take their place in the exalted Celestial Bureaucracy. Fortunately, with the fast actions of our subsidiary Duo-Ling Leadibles, Ltd., we may be rid of their presence much sooner.

May their spines keel the Dragon Boat of the Underworld’s Sewage Minister!

Disloyal Americans! You have aided these treasonous snakes in their plot against Yu Wan Mei. First you refuse to ingest our coagulated octopus paste at a fast enough rate, and now you hold a dagger to the throat of the printed word itself! Your obsession with personal liberty has been a burden on your nation's success for generations, and now you sit there like livestock as an entire industry falls to dust around you—the very industry upon which you construct your imaginary foundation of free speech!

Submission is deficient in this culture of indolence, where citizens would rather have the unmitigated thoughts of others poured into their heads by the Internet than read diligently the printed word, as decent people do.

The time, capital, and legions of armed police that would be needed to adequately align the American character with proper modes of both commerce and communication precludes immediate action, and is not a viable option at this time. Americans, as everyone knows, like whatever is thrust before their snot-caked noses. They enjoy “convenience.” Perhaps Yu Wan Mei should have invested in a line of adult diapers, or some other apparatus that would allow Americans to suddenly lie down in the middle of any room.

Now, our most pressing concern is what to do with ream upon ream of useless newsprint, unfit even for lining the floors of a monkey cage.

Yet some dim light flickers still from a lamp fueled by the rancid oil of the midden cod: Our newly purchased, wholly unwanted newspaper is based in the United States, a nation that allows 15 percent “cellulose filler” to be added to any fish protein matrix used for frying—and frying is that very nation’s only method of fish cookery! Truly, for the agile business mind, fortune is a viscous, greasy medium, free to flow everywhere. With that in mind, take notice: the Onion newspaper is for sale.