The 22nd Winter Olympics is in full swing in the resort town of Sochi, Russia, where top athletes from around the world will compete over the next two weeks to win medals for ice hockey, figure skating, and more. Here are some of the game’s most highly anticipated events:

  • Day 1: Russian journalists marvel at the luxury of Sochi hotels
  • Day 2: All athletes are welcomed with a five-pound bag of turnips
  • Day 4: Snowboarders secure their reputations as being the coolest athletes by performing all events with a boombox on their shoulders
  • Day 5: Extra security brought in to control the rabid fan base of Bulgarian skier Krasimir Anev
  • Day 6: Men’s ski slopestyle competition
  • Day 7: Memorial service for those lost in the men’s ski slopestyle competition
  • Day 8: Intermission
  • Day 12: A special gold medal is awarded to the athlete with the longest tongue
  • Day 13: Twirly, sparkly woman named Nadia or Adrinovka or something prepares to transport the living shit out of world
  • Day 16: After closing ceremonies, officials cull stray athletes from Olympic Village
  • Day 17: World realizes they forgot to watch any of the games