Shoveling driveway

The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

Shoveling driveway
• If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open
  your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity
• Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home
• Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages
• Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices
• This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax
• Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by
  visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light
• If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat
  your dogsled team
• Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn
• Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will
  prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold
• Grow thick layer of fur on body
• Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles
• Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time
• If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along
  plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case"
• Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw
• Save fatty parts of whales and seals as fuel
• Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy