Winter, the season of sledding and snowmen, can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

  • If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity.
  • Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home.
  • Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages.
  • Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices.
  • This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax.
  • Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light.
  • If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat your dogsled team.
  • Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn.
  • Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold.
  • Grow thick layer of fur on body.
  • Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles.
  • Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time.
  • If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case."
  • Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw.
  • Save fatty parts of whales and seals to use as fuel.
  • Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy.