Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

Horoscope ISSUE 43•51 Dec 16, 2007
  • Aries You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.
  • Taurus The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.
  • Gemini You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.
  • Cancer Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.
  • Leo Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.
  • Virgo After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.
  • Libra The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.
  • Scorpio Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.
  • Sagittarius Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.
  • Capricorn After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.
  • Aquarius While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.
  • Pisces Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.