Your Astrological Predictions For 2008

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Biden Jumping Motorcycle
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Last Updated 12:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries You will see remarkable growth and success in 2008. Sadly, what you won't see is that gasoline truck careening your way.

Taurus The hands of fate will lead you to new answers in March. Then, when nobody is looking, they will touch you in an inappropriate place.

Gemini You will be filled with life in the coming year, thanks to roughly 4,000 spider eggs and a sudden temperature rise in your inner ear.

Cancer Don't get discouraged if things don't go your way during the first half of the year. There will be plenty of time for that during the second half of the year.

Leo Be wary of advice from untrustworthy sources this coming June—or maybe it's July. No, wait, it's definitely June. Yeah.

Virgo After months of carrying it around, you'll suddenly lose all that excess weight midway through your second trimester.

Libra The stars would tell you to spend more time with loved ones this year, but that pretty much eliminates everyone in your life.

Scorpio Remember when you were a little kid and your father went completely insane that one year? Well, the whole thing will feel strangely familiar to you around August.

Sagittarius Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.

Capricorn After years of loyalty and hard work, you'll be replaced by an actual metal cog this coming September.

Aquarius While faith has always guided you in life, it will soon leave you with nowhere to turn in death.

Pisces Love awaits you where you least expect it in 2008—anatomically speaking, that is.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (December 11, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (January 1, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...