Horoscope

04.30.97 | ISSUE 31•16

  • Aries You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain.
  • Taurus To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter.
  • Gemini Begin your life-long quest for truth this week by fighting against this century's greatest lie: the myth of lactose intolerance.
  • Cancer This is an important time of spiritual growth for you. Banish all symbols from your life except for the Real Dairy seal.
  • Leo Nothing dresses up that slimming diet meal like a peach slice on a snow-white bed of cottage cheese.
  • Virgo Just as there are four points on the compass and four chambers in the human heart, there are four food groups—and dairy is the only one you can drink.
  • Libra Be sure to wash down all desserts, from cookies to cake, with an ice-cold glass of milk.
  • Scorpio You will soon take an exciting trip around the world and drink the milk of many an exotic creature.
  • Sagittarius Ease the horrible repetition of your dead-end delivery job by thinking about delicious dairy products.
  • Capricorn It's no coincidence that they call it "the milk of human kindness."
  • Aquarius I always wanted to be a milkman— it’s the family business!
  • Pisces In Heaven, when you die, there will surely be plenty of milk.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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