• Aries You'll be trapped in a personal lube factory over the weekend, an event made more embarrassing when it's revealed that the place wasn't locked—you were just unable to get a decent grip on the doorknobs.
  • Taurus A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Gemini This week, your ongoing efforts to equip your computer with ever-improving access to information will result in bandwidth high enough for you to become the first person to get hit by a bus over the Internet.
  • Cancer Your first enjoyable night in years will be ruined when police tell the babysitter the calls are coming from inside the house.
  • Leo You'll be forced to seek new lodgings after changes in local law make parking your house by the city pool illegal.
  • Virgo You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.
  • Libra Cosmic changes in the very fabric of the universe will soon alter the way light is transmitted and perceived, but all you need to know is that blue is the new black.
  • Scorpio Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius Venus, the harbinger of love, will enter your sign this week. Unfortunately, so will busload after busload of obnoxious, sightseeing tourists, which kind of ruins the mood.
  • Capricorn According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius Small changes can mean a lot, as you'll learn this week when an inadvertently sexy letter from your doctor informs you that you have a rare and deadly form of "colon dancer."
  • Pisces