Horoscope

01.18.06 | ISSUE 42•03

  • Aries Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
  • Taurus Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
  • Gemini The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Cancer Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
  • Leo A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
  • Virgo This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
  • Libra You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
  • Scorpio Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
  • Sagittarius The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
  • Capricorn You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Aquarius Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
  • Pisces Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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