Aries Your recent declaration of love for women of all shapes and sizes may sound tolerant and open-minded to others, but the stars haven't forgotten that women also come in a variety of ethnicities.
Taurus Despite having been hummed hundreds of times before, the old saw "Home is where you hang your hat" will once again seem fresh when Manitoba police investigators catch sight of your cold, lifeless body dangling from the living-room fan.
Gemini You will finally be able to deal with the reality of your husband's passing this week, after 15 years spent slowly and gleefully savoring it as a fantasy.
Cancer As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
Leo The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.
Virgo You won't be able to believe your incredible luck this week when the 6-year-old boy you lure down into your basement seems completely oblivious to the age-of-consent laws in the state of Montana.
Libra While your friends always tell you that you are inconsiderate for failing to call women the day after sex, they rarely praise you for how frequently you call the day after phone sex.
Scorpio You've long boasted that there's never a dull moment in the MidWestern Medco mail room, but that will all change next week when a round of hijinks with the office copier goes horribly awry, generating a stasis field that envelops the entire third floor.
Sagittarius Thomas Edison famously described success as 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which leaves you 1 percent away from succeeding in getting off the couch.
Capricorn Your friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are shattered and your head is broken loose.
Aquarius As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.
Pisces Although you've never had any particular interest in rodentsaquatic or otherwiseyou'll soon become an expert in all of the many different ways that Canadian ditch muskrats defend themselves.