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Aries Your recent declaration of love for women of all shapes and sizes may sound tolerant and open-minded to others, but the stars haven't forgotten that women also come in a variety of ethnicities.

Taurus Despite having been hummed hundreds of times before, the old saw "Home is where you hang your hat" will once again seem fresh when Manitoba police investigators catch sight of your cold, lifeless body dangling from the living-room fan.

Gemini You will finally be able to deal with the reality of your husband's passing this week, after 15 years spent slowly and gleefully savoring it as a fantasy.

Cancer As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.

Leo The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.

Virgo You won't be able to believe your incredible luck this week when the 6-year-old boy you lure down into your basement seems completely oblivious to the age-of-consent laws in the state of Montana.

Libra While your friends always tell you that you are inconsiderate for failing to call women the day after sex, they rarely praise you for how frequently you call the day after phone sex.

Scorpio You've long boasted that there's never a dull moment in the MidWestern Medco mail room, but that will all change next week when a round of hijinks with the office copier goes horribly awry, generating a stasis field that envelops the entire third floor.

Sagittarius Thomas Edison famously described success as 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which leaves you 1 percent away from succeeding in getting off the couch.

Capricorn Your friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are shattered and your head is broken loose.

Aquarius As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.

Pisces Although you've never had any particular interest in rodents—aquatic or otherwise—you'll soon become an expert in all of the many different ways that Canadian ditch muskrats defend themselves.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope 4206 (February 8, 2006)
Youe Horoscope » (February 20, 2006)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...