Your Horoscope

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Biden Jumping Motorcycle
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Last Updated 12:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.

Taurus A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.

Gemini Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.

Cancer Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.

Leo You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.

Virgo A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.

Libra During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.

Scorpio Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.

Sagittarius You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts

Capricorn You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.

Aquarius A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.

Pisces After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.

More Horoscope

« Youe Horoscope (February 20, 2006)
Your Horoscope » (March 6, 2006)

Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...