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Aries The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.

Taurus You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.

Gemini You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.

Cancer Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.

Leo You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.

Virgo Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.

Libra The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.

Scorpio Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.

Sagittarius Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.

Capricorn Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.

Aquarius You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.

Pisces Your 6-year-old daughter will forever be traumatized this week after she accidentally walks in on you and your wife having snacks.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...