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Aries In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.

Taurus Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.

Gemini You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.

Cancer You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.

Leo For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.

Virgo Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.

Libra You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.

Scorpio While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.

Sagittarius Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.

Capricorn Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.

Aquarius There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.

Pisces While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

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November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...