• Your Birthday Today You'll make the disastrous mistake at work today of opening over 70 gift-wrapped boxes, effectively ruining your charity organization's monthly toy drive for children with leukemia.
  • Aries You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
  • Taurus Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that  women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Gemini Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
  • Cancer While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
  • Leo Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Virgo Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.  
  • Libra Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
  • Scorpio Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated  when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a  hand for being such a fantastic audience.
  • Sagittarius Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
  • Capricorn You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
  • Aquarius Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
  • Pisces Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.