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Your Birthday Today You'll make the disastrous mistake at work today of opening over 70 gift-wrapped boxes, effectively ruining your charity organization's monthly toy drive for children with leukemia.

Aries You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.

Taurus Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.

Gemini Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.

Cancer While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.

Leo Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.

Virgo Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.

Libra Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.

Scorpio Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a hand for being such a fantastic audience.

Sagittarius Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.

Capricorn You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.

Aquarius Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.

Pisces Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...