• Your Birthday Today You will pass away shortly after celebrating your 88th birthday tonight, leaving your friends at the nursing home feeling guilty for making you drink a shot of vodka for every year you'd been alive.
  • Aries The penalty for soliciting a prostitute is a night in jail and a $400 fine. Unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing police that the one in your car was already dead when you picked her up.
  • Taurus For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.
  • Gemini Months of horror and dread lie ahead after your town unwittingly builds a new sewage system beneath an ancient Indian burial ground.
  • Cancer With spring in full swing, you'd love nothing more than for the harrowing trail of clues to lead to a nice, quiet park bench for an hour or so before ultimately taking you to the "Forest Hills Slasher."
  • Leo You will finally admit to an obsession with celebrities after hours spent online searching for photos of a Hollywood couple and their day-old miscarriage.
  • Virgo You've experienced a number of failed business ventures in the past, but this new line of electric wheelchairs "built for tetraplegics, by tetraplegics" will put the rest in perspective.
  • Libra You realize the new pastor's style is as frank as it is popular, but you still don't think it was right for him to call your morals "as loose as Paris Hilton's pussy after a visit to the telephone-pole factory" in front of the whole congregation.
  • Scorpio A gunslinger will come to town and promise on his mother's grave to put you in a box in the ground, but he will turn out to be the colorful, well-armed architect you hired to build your subterranean mansion.
  • Sagittarius You've made it through the entire winter without once getting the flu, but don't beat yourself up too hard over having wasted precious time and money on that damn flu shot.
  • Capricorn Directing your infant son during feedings to "open up big for the choo-choo train" could easily be seen as playful if it weren't followed by the order to "quick: dispose of those filthy Jews."
  • Aquarius All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
  • Pisces You're beginning to think this whole "taking a long, hard look in the mirror" approach to cleaning up your life is actually hurting your chances of giving up cocaine.