Your Birthday Today Due to upcoming national holidays, religious celebrations, personal vacation days, and the approaching weekend, you will be forced to share your office birthday party with roughly 17 different co-workers today.
Aries You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
Taurus Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."
Gemini Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
Cancer While it's true that from the mouths of babes come pearls of wisdom, you'll nonetheless continue to touch yours inappropriately despite his incisive pleas
Leo Almost an entire decade after your short-term memory first began to fail you, you will wonder aloud where your 70s went this week.
Virgo Terror and panic will overwhelm you when a police officer reveals that the disturbing text messages you've been receiving are coming from inside the house.
Libra You're not the type of person who easily believes racist conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Scorpio There's a lot you can learn from your personal failures, the most important lesson being that no matter what you attempt, or how much effort you put forth, you will never succeed.
Sagittarius You will endure extreme physical pain and suffering at the hands of a vicious mixed-martial-arts fighter after stepping into what you believe to be a heptagon.
Capricorn Some women have the tendency to surround themselves with heftier friends to appear thinner, which explains your propensity for surrounding yourself with friends who look even more like Nick Nolte.
Aquarius You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
Pisces For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.