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Your Birthday Today You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender.

Aries You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.

Taurus You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.

Gemini What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.

Cancer The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the freedom of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.

Leo In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.

Virgo There are two sides to every story; unfortunately, no publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's Sons And Lovers.

Libra You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.

Scorpio While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned.

Sagittarius A long nature hike through the peaks and valleys of a national park's black-bear preserve will drastically enhance your appreciation of urban centers this week.

Capricorn You will deliver the most perfect little miscarriage in the whole wide world this week, although others will fail to see what's so special about it.

Aquarius You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn this week.

Pisces Although Marlowe, Nick Carraway, and John Dowell are all fascinating men, more and more you find yourself wanting to be introduced to a narrator you can trust.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
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November 8, 2011

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