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Your Birthday Today While it's true that a girl's Sweet 16 may be a very special time for her, that doesn't make your repeated, desperate attempts to relive that once-in-a-lifetime experience any less pathetic today.

Aries You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.

Taurus You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.

Gemini You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.

Cancer You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?

Leo With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.

Virgo After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.

Libra Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.

Scorpio As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.

Sagittarius While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.

Capricorn A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.

Aquarius An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.

Pisces It's true that they don't quite make them like they used to, but that's largely your fault for continuing to force them to procreate in your dilapidated backyard shed despite the growing risk of embryonic infection.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

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March 13, 2012

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