Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Manning Retirement
- Last Updated 1:32 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today While it's true that a girl's Sweet 16 may be a very special time for her, that doesn't make your repeated, desperate attempts to relive that once-in-a-lifetime experience any less pathetic today.

Aries You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.

Taurus You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.

Gemini You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.

Cancer You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?

Leo With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.

Virgo After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.

Libra Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.

Scorpio As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.

Sagittarius While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.

Capricorn A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.

Aquarius An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.

Pisces It's true that they don't quite make them like they used to, but that's largely your fault for continuing to force them to procreate in your dilapidated backyard shed despite the growing risk of embryonic infection.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (May 10, 2006)
Your Horoscope » (May 24, 2006)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...