Your Birthday Today You'll be made to feel like the most important person in the room tonight, but that's mostly because everyone else will fail to show up to your party.
Aries Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
Taurus After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
Gemini Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.
Cancer They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Leo You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
Virgo Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
Libra You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
Scorpio Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
Sagittarius Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
Capricorn Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
Aquarius A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
Pisces While one man's trash may be another man's treasure, there's really no reason why you should be wearing that dead kitten as a crown.