• Your Birthday Today While you know it's the thought behind one's gift that ultimately counts, you'll still be thrilled to receive a personal check from your best friend tonight.
  • Aries You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.
  • Taurus You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.
  • Gemini No mother should ever have to bury her own child. Sadly, with the little monster shrieking for help and threatening to run off to the police, what choice do you really have?
  • Cancer Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.
  • Leo While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.
  • Virgo Your husband has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower.
  • Libra Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.
  • Scorpio After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.
  • Sagittarius You've long believed courage to be what separates the men from the boys, when, in fact, it will prove to be the three undercover government agents who raid your basement next Thursday.
  • Capricorn You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Aquarius The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.
  • Pisces You will finally stop referring to the nation's Midwest as the  "fly-over states" this week during a tragic airplane ride from New York to Los Angeles.