Your Birthday Today Shock will melt into overwhelming joy when your oldest, dearest friend flies halfway across the world to show up at your party and present you with the most thoughtful gift—a gift you never imagined receiving—the significance of which was revealed only once during a most private conversation, one that took place seemingly 10 lifetimes ago and which, until the moment you unwrap her gift, will have been lost to time and forgotten. So try and act surprised, you know?
Aries Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
Taurus It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
Gemini Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
Cancer After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
Leo Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
Virgo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
Libra Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
Scorpio Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
Sagittarius Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
Capricorn The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
Aquarius There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
Pisces You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.