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Your Birthday Today A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.

Aries You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.

Taurus At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.

Gemini To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.

Cancer You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.

Leo Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."

Virgo After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.

Libra The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.

Scorpio It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.

Sagittarius Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.

Capricorn While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.

Aquarius To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Pisces Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...