Your Birthday Today A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.
Aries You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
Taurus At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
Gemini To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
Cancer You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
Leo Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
Virgo After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
Libra The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
Scorpio It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
Sagittarius Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
Capricorn While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
Aquarius To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Pisces Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.