Your Birthday Today You've bragged for years about the relationship you two share, but friends and family members will soon learn that you were never actually that close with nature.
Aries While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Taurus Many believe there to be no greater shame than profiting from the misfortunes of others, but they'll soon change their minds after watching you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do so.
Gemini You will have difficulty putting this Thursday's disturbingly violent scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad for.
Cancer A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.
Leo Your extremely unlucky, almost certainly tragic numbers for this week are 7, 3, and 2006.
Virgo Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life.
Libra Following your mother's uplifting open-casket funeral, you will regret following your instinct to keep the momentum going by having an open-casket burial.
Scorpio You've often been called impolite in the past, but would an impolite person volunteer a seat on his face to pregnant women, the elderly, and physically disabled individuals?
Sagittarius Years of treasured recollections dating all the way back to your childhood will be lost forever when a four-story fall exposes your photographic memory to daylight.
Capricorn Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they'll get a little better for about a day or two before reverting back to being equally as bad as they were when you thought they couldn't get worse. A week after that, though—bam!—you'll be proven wrong.
Aquarius After careful deliberation and a thorough search of their surroundings, crime-scene investigators will finally determine the probable rent of your apartment next week.
Pisces A loud, inconsiderate group of pickup trucks will roll in 15 minutes late and ruin yet another drive-in movie for you this weekend.