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Your Birthday Today You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.

Aries While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.

Taurus Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.

Gemini After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.

Cancer You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.

Leo With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.

Virgo In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.

Libra Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.

Scorpio Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.

Sagittarius Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.

Capricorn A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.

Aquarius A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.

Pisces In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...