• Your Birthday Today The gravity of next week's events will become increasingly clear to you with every floor your rapidly accelerating body plummets past.
  • Aries Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
  • Taurus The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
  • Gemini Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
  • Cancer After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
  • Leo They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
  • Virgo What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
  • Libra You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Sagittarius Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
  • Capricorn You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
  • Aquarius A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
  • Pisces You've heard the old expression, "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" many times before, but this week will mark the first time it's used to describe your crippling genetic condition.