Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 42•31 Aug 2, 2006
  • Your Birthday Today You may believe that God lives within every man, woman, and child, but the stars are pretty sure that's just a tapeworm inside of you.
  • Aries A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
  • Taurus After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
  • Gemini You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
  • Cancer A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
  • Leo While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
  • Virgo If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
  • Libra You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
  • Scorpio Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
  • Sagittarius You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
  • Capricorn You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
  • Aquarius Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
  • Pisces Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.