Your Birthday Today You may believe that God lives within every man, woman, and child, but the stars are pretty sure that's just a tapeworm inside of you.
Aries A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
Taurus After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
Gemini You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
Cancer A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
Leo While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
Virgo If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
Libra You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
Scorpio Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
Sagittarius You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
Capricorn You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
Aquarius Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
Pisces Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.