Horoscope

08.23.06 | ISSUE 42•34

  • Your Birthday Today Confirming what you have suspected for years, nutritionists will release a report this week revealing that breakfast is indeed the most important shake of the day.
  • Aries You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
  • Taurus While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
  • Gemini Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
  • Cancer While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
  • Leo Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
  • Virgo Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
  • Libra You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
  • Scorpio Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
  • Sagittarius Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
  • Capricorn Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
  • Aquarius A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
  • Pisces Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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