Your Birthday Today Confirming what you have suspected for years, nutritionists will release a report this week revealing that breakfast is indeed the most important shake of the day.
Aries You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
Taurus While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
Gemini Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
Cancer While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
Leo Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
Virgo Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
Libra You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
Scorpio Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
Sagittarius Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
Capricorn Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
Aquarius A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
Pisces Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.