Your Birthday Today After purchasing a brand-new computer, scanner, digital camera, camcorder, and zip drive, you'll feel the line between technophile and pedophile continue to blur.
Aries Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
Taurus An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
Gemini After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
Cancer Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
Leo You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
Virgo While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
Libra A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
Scorpio Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
Sagittarius Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
Capricorn Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
Aquarius You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
Pisces For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.