• Your Birthday Today After purchasing a brand-new computer, scanner, digital camera, camcorder, and zip drive, you'll feel the line between technophile and pedophile continue to blur.
  • Aries Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
  • Taurus An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
  • Gemini After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
  • Cancer Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
  • Leo You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
  • Virgo While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
  • Libra A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
  • Scorpio Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
  • Sagittarius Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
  • Capricorn Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
  • Aquarius You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
  • Pisces For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.