• Your Birthday Today You swore that you'd never let it happen, that you'd never turn out the same way she did, but with each passing day you're becoming more and more like your deceased mother.
  • Aries While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
  • Taurus You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
  • Gemini As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
  • Cancer Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
  • Leo The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
  • Virgo There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
  • Libra Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
  • Scorpio Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
  • Sagittarius As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
  • Capricorn Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
  • Aquarius A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
  • Pisces Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.