• Your Birthday Today Despite a loving relationship and almost inseparable bond, you and your father will soon be divided by nothing more than a giant, highly specialized centrifuge.
  • Aries Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.
  • Taurus You'll finally admit that getting a tattoo of your favorite rock band might have been a mistake. Sadly, it'll take the results of next Thursday's HIV test to bring the realization about.
  • Gemini Repeated, escalating strikes of a hammer against your kneecaps will test not only your body's natural reflexes, but also your ability to figure out that the man in the white coat isn't really a doctor.
  • Cancer It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Leo While truth can often be found at the heart of good humor, everyone will laugh at your dissertation on "Political Obligation And The Just State" for a completely different reason.
  • Virgo You have no sympathy for people who always take the easy way out of difficult situations. What you have for them is empathy.
  • Libra After 30 grueling miles, you'll finally hit a wall next week while driving back home in your car.
  • Scorpio Your elderly mother will go quietly in her sleep, dying painfully moments later from the lethal combination of urine and a poorly insulated electric blanket.
  • Sagittarius The stars think it's time you stopped letting fear control your life, and started letting it control the lives of those around you.
  • Capricorn Thankfully, you'll already be seated when doctors break the news of your complete paralysis from the waist down.
  • Aquarius Look on the bright side: The recent yellowing of your skin might just be a sign of personal maturation.
  • Pisces While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.