Your Birthday Today Hope of a stripper jumping out of your sheet cake will only continue to fade with each slice that is cut and served.
Aries A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
Taurus You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
Gemini For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
Cancer Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
Leo The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
Virgo Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
Libra The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
Scorpio You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Sagittarius Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
Capricorn The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Aquarius Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
Pisces While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.