Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 42•38 Sep 20, 2006
  • Your Birthday Today Hope of a stripper jumping out of your sheet cake will only continue to fade with each slice that is cut and served.
  • Aries A whirlwind office romance will bloom today between you and that stunning spreadsheet that tracks all funded programs, their revenue sources, and the deductible services they provide.
  • Taurus You'll receive an important life lesson from Jan-Michael Vincent this week after everyone in town starts calling you the boy who cried Airwolf.
  • Gemini For whatever reason, lately it feels like your heart just isn't into pumping blood through its arteries and cardiac veins by repeated, rhythmic contractions.
  • Cancer Unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Leo The truth is, even if you were to throw away your complete collection of Hustler magazines, you'd still be left with a lot of issues.
  • Virgo Fed up with being exploited and mistreated at work, you'll finally take control of your life this Thursday and hand in your two-year notice of resignation.
  • Libra The sight of an elderly man riding a child's merry-go-round in the rain will resonate deeply with you today as a metaphor for absolutely everything.
  • Scorpio You'll be cured of a lifelong phobia this week after realizing that heights are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Sagittarius Your incredible reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and taciturn manner will cause you to become known throughout the West as The Man Who Handcuffed Lightning But Was Afraid To Talk About His True Feelings.
  • Capricorn The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Aquarius Racial tensions will suddenly and fortunately be broken this week by the unexpected arrival of an Asian.
  • Pisces While a persistent case of writer's block may have driven you right to the edge, it will continue to delay your suicide for months to come.