Your Birthday Today A plastic surgeon and eight hours of reconstructive surgery will soon prove that you're not the only person in the world who's terrible with faces.
Aries The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Cancer Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
Leo The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
Virgo Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
Libra Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
Scorpio Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
Sagittarius You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
Capricorn Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
Aquarius You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
Pisces Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.