Horoscope

09.27.06 | ISSUE 42•39

  • Your Birthday Today A plastic surgeon and eight hours of reconstructive surgery will soon prove that you're not the only person in the world who's terrible with faces.
  • Aries The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
  • Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Cancer Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
  • Leo The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
  • Virgo Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
  • Libra Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
  • Scorpio Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
  • Sagittarius You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
  • Capricorn Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
  • Aquarius You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
  • Pisces Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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