• Your Birthday Today A plastic surgeon and eight hours of reconstructive surgery will soon prove that you're not the only person in the world who's terrible with faces.
  • Aries The winds of change will blow through town this week, leaving you a hatless victim of the increasingly turbulent times.
  • Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandalsdepending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at a nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Cancer Out of the darkness will come a living-room chair you believed was at least a good two feet to your left.
  • Leo The bells of freedom will ring across the land, leading first to excitement, then bitter disappointment for thousands who believed them to be the bells of dinner.
  • Virgo Your big mouth will get you in trouble again this week, when it's found wrapped around the spinning blades of a lawn mower.
  • Libra Though you're not a fan of their droning hymns, it does seem rude to gong an entire temple of Buddhist monks that many times.
  • Scorpio Although it would certainly make you an immense fortune, a novelty can labeled "peanut brittle" which, upon opening, launches hydrochloric acid into an unsuspecting stranger's face, would probably get old after a while.
  • Sagittarius You will experience personal growth this week, asymmetric and abnormal in nature, accumulating like grapefruits on your liver, lymph nodes, and spleen.
  • Capricorn Your body will be savaged and dehumanized an additional 11 times this Thursday after you tragically mistake your dog whistle for your rape whistle.
  • Aquarius You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
  • Pisces Many will feel guilty for having described you as a walking time bomb after you cut through your wrist's blue wires.