• Your Birthday Today A persistent and unrelenting cough, steadfast in its determination to persevere, will elegantly illustrate the precise qualities you lack in fighting off lung cancer.
  • Aries While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
  • Taurus The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
  • Gemini Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
  • Cancer A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
  • Leo You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
  • Virgo A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
  • Libra You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
  • Scorpio Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
  • Sagittarius Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
  • Capricorn Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
  • Aquarius A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
  • Pisces It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.