Your Birthday Today A persistent and unrelenting cough, steadfast in its determination to persevere, will elegantly illustrate the precise qualities you lack in fighting off lung cancer.
Aries While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
Taurus The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
Gemini Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
Cancer A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
Leo You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
Virgo A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
Libra You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
Scorpio Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
Sagittarius Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
Capricorn Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
Aquarius A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
Pisces It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.
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