Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 42•41 Oct 11, 2006
  • Your Birthday Today Tired of the nickname, you'll take to slashing the bodies of young women by the banks of a less embarrassing-sounding river.
  • Aries Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
  • Taurus An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
  • Gemini Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
  • Cancer While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
  • Leo As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
  • Virgo While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
  • Libra Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
  • Scorpio This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Sagittarius You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
  • Capricorn So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
  • Aquarius You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
  • Pisces You will be singled out among many worthy candidates for your eye-catching looks, unmistakable presence and the fact that you murdered a homeless man in the early hours of Sept. 19.