Horoscope

10.18.06 | ISSUE 42•42

  • Your Birthday Today Dozens will be hospitalized this week after a bar brawl breaks out over a particularly divisive trivia question regarding the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies.
  • Aries Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
  • Taurus While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
  • Cancer You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
  • Leo While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Virgo The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
  • Libra After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
  • Scorpio Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
  • Sagittarius For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
  • Capricorn You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
  • Aquarius Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
  • Pisces Despite its many promotional offers and money-saving bargains, part of you just doesn't want to belong to any Sam's Club that would have you as a member.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    • November 1, 2011

      Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...

    See All Horoscopes
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