Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 42•42 Oct 18, 2006
  • Your Birthday Today Dozens will be hospitalized this week after a bar brawl breaks out over a particularly divisive trivia question regarding the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies.
  • Aries Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
  • Taurus While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
  • Cancer You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
  • Leo While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Virgo The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
  • Libra After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
  • Scorpio Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
  • Sagittarius For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
  • Capricorn You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
  • Aquarius Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
  • Pisces Despite its many promotional offers and money-saving bargains, part of you just doesn't want to belong to any Sam's Club that would have you as a member.